Thought I’d start writing again. The last few years have been rough and I’ve fallen back on some old habits. I tend to be a bit reclusive again. I don’t talk about my feelings much. But I know where I’ve been and I can do it again. Here’s a summary of what happened:

1. Got laid off from work
2. Almost lost my house
3. My Grandfather died
4. My Grandmother died
5. Rented out my house
6. Got a new job
7. Moved back into my renter trashed house
8. Survived multiple layoffs
9. My Dog died
10. Gained back the weight I lost

Yeah some of these were good. However even the good things can be stressful. Just needed to put it all in perspective. What may be surprising is that I thank God for these things. God used this time to temper me, to make me stronger.

Romans 5:3-5New International Version (NIV)

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. 

1. The things that got me through it all:
2. God
3. My Family
4. Good friends
5. Medication

#4 is no joke. I found out during this time that I suffer from Anxiety and depression. Anyone that suffers from it would agree that the right medication (in the right amounts) can open up a new world. I think the first week I probably drove my family crazy with comments about how this is what it feels like to be normal! I mention this also because there seems to be a stigma against using medications for this. In the last few years I could feel God’s hand working in all of this. If not for his guidance I don’t think I would be where I am now. He led me to this place and has greater things in store. This was just one step along the rocky path.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Now, in the spirit of the New Year here are my plans for the New Year. I know that I want to get back to being the person I was prior to losing my job. Though maybe not totally. The last year (or two) I’ve focused on rebuilding my relationship with God. Prior to losing my job I don’t think that was high on my list to be honest. My relationship with God comes first in my life now. That doesn’t mean I can’t work on the others as well though *smile*. My new goals for the New Year go as follows:

1. Continuing to improve my knowledge and relationship with God.
2. Finding a way to serve God
3. Being a great Uncle, Brother, Friend and Son.
4. Becoming active and losing the weight again.
5. Becoming better at my job.

Anyone with suggestions for #2 I’d appreciate *smile*. I do feel that there is a way in which I do feel drawn. We live in a world that seems to want to ridicule and force Christianity into the shadows. To mock us and declare us as extremist and bigots. I think it is more important than ever to step out into the open and declare the Good News and stand up for our beliefs. Always respectfully and with compassion and love; but also with strength and determination.  

Remember the words of Martin Niemöller about the Nazi’s in 1946:

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me

There was no one left to speak out.

Tempering the Sword

Set down this morning and knew that I needed to write something. The last 4 months or so have been some of the most difficult in my life. I've been laid-off, am close to losing my house, family members with some very serious health issues, and some other issues I won't go into. There are times that I would like to find a small hole and just curl up inside. I feel like somehow that I've failed and the world is just caving in around me. I have to remind myself that this is NOT the time to give up, but to grab ahold of the issues like a bronc rider (yes, I live in the Southwest *smile*), and thank God for the chance to ride. Seems strange !?! Maybe so, but to understand what I mean you need to look to God's word.

For a New Testement example you can look to the book of James. In the first chapter of James verses 2-4 (NLT) it sayes,

"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."

Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) also sayes,

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverence; pererverence, character; and character, hope. And hope does not dissapoint us, because God has poured out his love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Wow! Those are pretty powerful statements. An opportunity for joy!?! Rejoice in our sufferings!?! I know it's hard to see it that way but it's true. And what's more we are never abandoned in our trials. In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul wrote:

"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not keep the temptation from becoming too strong that you can't stand up agianst it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out a way out so that you will not give in to it."

You may be thinking "He's taking about trials and now he's showing us a verse about temptations. These are two different things!" Not really. In all of our trials we must stand up to the temptation to give in, or to blame God. Take heart that you don't share the troubles of Job. He lost his possessions, his family, and was covered in sores from head to toe. His wife approached him told him that for all his problems that he should curse God. Instead of following her advice, in Job 2, verse 10 (NLT) it was written:

He replied, "You are talking like a godless woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anyhing bad?" So in all this Job said nothing wrong.

Now I pray someday that I can have that kind of faith. Instead I am weak (as many of us are) and sometimes give in to temptation, or depression. One showing a lack of resolve to follow Christ. The other not trusting in him. Of course I'm not alone in that we all do in times of trial. We're all human and subject to these emotions.



To fight the tempations to give in there are a number of things we can do:

Keep up with our Bible studies and Christian fellowship: I'm grouping these together after reading a short *.pdf about this topic (http://www.scribd.com/doc/17024259/Overcoming-Trials-and-Temptations-Bible-Study-Lesson). In this the writer describes our lives as two dogs fighting. One dog is our sinful nature, while the other is the Holy Spirit. Which one are you going to feed? Which one are you going to make stronger? It's our relationship with God, our Christian friends and family that strengthen the Spiritual nature inside of us.

Pray: Not only are so bringing you problems to God, but you are strengthening yourself through your communication with him.

Don't Give Up: God has promised us to be faithful. We need to do the same. It is stregthening and comforting to kow that in my time of trial God is tempering me. He's making me into something better, something stronger. The thing that I just need to do perervere and not give up. Embrace your inner Badger!

Look to others for strength and support: Don't think that just because you feel alone that you truely are alone. There are people out there just waiting for you to come to them. Friends, family, pastors, counselors, support groups or hotlines are examples of places you can go.


I know this just scratches the surface of this topic. I'll try to touch on it agian sometime. I'll leave you with a few links that I found helpful when writing this...


http://www.openbible.info/topics/trials_and_tribulations

http://bible.org/seriespage/god-works-through-trials-james-11-13

http://www.acts17-11.com/tests.html

http://www.scribd.com/doc/17024259/Overcoming-Trials-and-Temptations-Bible-Study-Lesson


Also Cited

Wiersbe, Warren W. The Bible Exposition Commentary/New Testement Volume 2 Colorado: Cook Communications Ministries, 2001.

2010 In Review and Plans for 2011

Wow, where did the year go? I haven’t written in awhile and it seemed like a good idea to recap. I’ve made a lot of progress, and am excited about 2011, but it’s time to put that life behind me and move on.


Currently I’m 50 lbs lighter than this time last year. It’s been a blast doing it as well. Now I look forward to my time in the gym. It’s frustrating that I worked so hard that I have Tendonitis in just about every joint that you can have Tendonitis in. The thing though is that this just challenges me to find other ways to exercise. Instead of lifting weights, now I bicycle (I have 4 bikes now…hehe), and I swim. I’m training for a sprint Triathlon and hope to do one sometime this year. It just depends on the Tendonitis in my knees and ankles.

Exercising has provided me with exciting options as well. I am looking for a good bike or Triathlon club. I’m looking much better and have many more options to meet women in the gym. I’m even getting noticed at work and it really feels good for my self-esteem and motivation. It’s ALL good!

I’m doing excessive reading and listening (there are some great podcasts out there) on Psychology. Learning how people think really helps with an overly left brained person like me. In fact I’m working on ways to be more left brained. I’ve been trying by reading more, visiting cultural places (art galleries, sculpture parks etc), and writing. All this helps build a more rounded better person.

Finally, I have a very optimistic outlook for this year. Sure, there will be ups and downs. That’s to be expected. I look forward to them all. These are the things that build character and personality. The only thing in which you really lose in life is by experiencing nothing by doing nothing.

Top 10 things people say sympathetically that make you want to strangle them.

I wrote this manly for the people who say these things. You need to know the impact it has on someone with a single person with depression, or is just plain shy. These types of comments are diff icult and painful to hear. Basically what I am putting dsown are my responses. It may be somewhat brutal, but this is what instinctively pops into my head.


Rather than saying these things...do something. Introduce your friend or family member to singles that you know. It may be difficult for them to strike up a conversation so be there to inject humor, ideas etc.Myself I prefer humor. Don't talk about things that are unfamiliar to them. That will make them either clam up or feel even more insecure.

For all of you out there who are single and depressed understand this.

These things are said with the best of intentions, and moreover they MEAN it. The issue that needs to be addressed is your reaction to the comment. You need to construct your positive response beforehand. When the negative response come into your head, try to realize that it is not valid. Replace that response with your positive one.


1.Oh there's lot's of woman who would just LOVE to meet you.

Oh yeah, show me one! It's really easy to say that, but actions speak louder that words. It's impossible when you can't start up a conversation.


2.When are we going to get a (grandchild, nephew, niece etc.)?

My initial response is usually (to myself), "Never at this rate."


3.She's out there, you just need to find her.

Then talk to her. Then ask her out. Then not act like an idiot. Internalize the rejection. Rinse...Repeat.


4.It will happen when you least expect it.

And I've been not expecting it for how many years now?


5.Wow, I wish I were single and in your shoes!

Wanna trade? No I'm not talking about anything immoral here. It's just that a depressed single person WOULD GIVE ANYTHING to be in your shoes.


6.Have you tried (online dating, speed dating, etc.)?

Aargh! If I can't speak to a woman you think I will be able to speak to a new one every 7 minutes? And online dating? I spend too much time on the computer already!


7.You are such a great guy! I'm sure you will find someone soon.

I was a great guy yesterday, and the day before...


8.You just need to get out more.

Yep, going out and NOT talking to people, and having people NOT talk to you is very effective. Doing more of it must be better.


9.Come on it's easy. Just got to the (insert public location here). You offer some woman help, spark up a converstaion then ask her out.

You know, I've NEVER heard of anyone meeting someone like that.


10.Last time I went out there were tons of women looking for a nice guy like you.

See item #7. This one is actually a little worse than #7 because it points out that the last time you went out these "Women looking for a great guy" didn't talk to you.


Ok I lied, make it 11. Here's another beaut! Saw it while researching and HAD to add it.


11.Your turn is next (at a wedding).

Ok I stole this one from another article, but this one drives me crazy!

Had to mention it one because with this one you get a three-fer. 1) First it's pointed out a that you are single, at a time in which you are already feeling 2) a bit jealous of the happy couple. And finally you are feeling 3) guilty for feeling jealous.

Coping with depression

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/stop-feeling-depressed/


I've been thinking about how to improve my morale and overall outlook. Some of these things may not apply to you and in that case I would say don't do it. Do what works. I'm no doctor. If something right now is too scary then try another approach. As you progress you might give one of the others a try. It's all about adjusting the way you react to your own thoughts and removing the triggers that spark a depression episode.

I've tried to find articles that support my ideas. Hope they help.

Keep you house clean

I hate coming home to a trashed house. Looking at all the work that I would need to do just to get it to a point that I could have someone over. Contrasting that, I feel much better in the mornig when I can get up to a clean house. That leaves so many other things I can do with my day.

http://www.anxiety-and-depression-solutions.com/wellness_concerns/depression/clear_your_mood.php

Pay off your debts

Debt causes stress. Stress triggers (at least in me) depression. It may not seem like it would be associated with a social problem, but it certainly is. For me at least, debt affects my self-esteem directly. Without money in my account there is no way that I couldn't go out, socialize, or date even without having social issues.

http://psychologydegree-online.com/depression-and-debt/


Get outside on those sunny days

The importance here is getting out. I find that just saying hi to a neighbor while walking my dog feels really good. The excercise makes it even better. If that is too much for you go for a drive. Just having the sun on my face works wonders for my mood.


Get some excercise

I used to weigh 279lbs. That was 6 months ago. Now I likely weigh less than 249lbs. I say that because I don't keep a scale. Muscle weighs more than fat. For this reason, if you are excercising you may be losing fat while not losing weight. What I go by is my pant size and compliments. It feels great when someone comes up to you to ask you if you've lost weight.

The second benefit is that you just feel better. I have so much more energy than I did 6 months ago. Between the energy and weight loss if keeps me wanting to go back. It's a positive cycle that has helped me to really start feeling better about myself.


http://www.naturalhealthezine.com/natural-cures-for-depression/


Dress up for work

I bought some new dress shirts recently. When I went to work I was teased, but in a good way. I was told that I should stop "Showing them up". I also was complimented on how I was dressed. It felt very good.

This is just my thoughts but you might not want to do it every day. I'm not saying that you should dress on other days in jeans and a Kiss T-shirt, but make it special when you dress up. This is called fishing for compliments. Don't be ashamed of it, this is about feeling better about yourself.


http://www.buzzle.com/articles/beat-depression-without-drugs.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halo_effect

Avoid negative people

Yeah you know who I'm talking about. We had one at work. We referred to him as "Mister Negativity." People who if they are not complaining then they are bashing other for one reason or another. No one needs to be around these people.

Here's an article on bullying. This is an extreme, but is still a good article.

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/health.htm

Listen to music

I personally thik God blessed us with the ability to make music. More than just about anything the right music can put me in a good mood. Here are my ground rules.

No Goth, Death Metal

This about lifting your spirit, not getting angry. Most of this music is highly agressive and anti-social. Listen to something that lifts your spirit, not something that makes you want to pummel someone.

No sexual/relationship themed music

That cut's out a lot nowadays, but it's no suprise, reminding yourself that you are alone is bad! I gues you really can't get away from this if you listen to the radio, but it would be wise to avoid this if you are starting to feel depressed.

I prefer Christian music since many songs are uplifting

As opposed to the sexual/relationship music, Christian music tells you that you are not alone and that God is always with you. I was listening to a song today by MercyMe called "Hold Fast". I would recommend it to anyone who is depressed.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/05/060524123803.htm


Recognize the good things you do

Make a list of the positive things you've done. The things that over your lifetime you feel pround of. Not neccessarily things you were recognised for, but things YOU feel proud of having accomplished. However, if you were recognised, even better. What I plan to do is print them out in a decorative way and frame them. I want to leave them around the house where I can see them during my daily routine. This is to enforce your self worth.


Remember God's Love

God's Love:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strenghten you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.(Isaiah 41:10)

Love for Each Other:

May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else just as ours does for you.(1 Thessalonians 3:12)


Love for Each Other AND for Yourself:

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments".(Matthew 22:34-40)


The Bible makes it pretty clear that we should love others and love ourselves. He created us and loves us. That makes us pretty important in my book. Our lives may not be perfect, and we may have problems, but that doesn't mean that we are not important and not loved.

An article on loving yourself:

http://www.dougbrittonbooks.com/onlinebiblestudies-selfworthandrespect/loveyourselffirst-shouldilovemyselffirst.php

An article on how a belief in god improves a perspon's response to depression treatment.

http://depression.about.com/b/2010/03/02/belief-in-god-improves-response-to-depression-treatment.htm

The Power of Perception

My Big "D" Medal
A reminder of what good friends I have

I wasn't intending to write about this today. However, I was relaxing and thinking about perception and how it impacts out social interactions. A recent event came to mind and I think it demostrates how our perceptions decieve us.

I was invited about a month ago to walk with some friends from work in the Big "D" half-marathon. I didn't think walking 13 miles would be that tough. Wow, I was sure wrong about that. But it was at this event that I realized how wrong I am routinely in my perceptions.

I had some pain during the start of the race, but at about mile 3 most of that was gone. I was doing alright for the most part until the uphill portion of the course. I think it was around mile 8 that things really started to go bad. I started developing pain all down the back of my legs. It felt like the tendons were being pulled so tight that they were about to snap. More and more I had to sit and take the weight off of my legs during miles 8 and 9. It just after mile 10 that I had to call it quits.

I went and set down at a Starbucks that we had passed, while my friends finished the last 3 miles. "T" and "M" (I don't want to use their real names, they know who they are) said they would come back and get me once they finished. I felt like I had just let them all down. I felt like such a loser. I felt that once others at work heard they would think I was as well.

I'm not sure how long it took, but when they came back, they were all smiles. They had their medals showing that they had finished. But instead of going home though, they said that I was going to finish the race. They were going to drive me back to the parking lot and I was going to walk the last portion of it. They didn't criticize me for stopping. They said that I had really done something impressive since I had walked so far while being in obvious pain.

Well we drove back and I walked the last portion of the race and got my medal. There was no talk at work about how I had stopped. No one besides the 4 of us who were there know, and they are not talking. When we talk about it, I hear nothing about stopping, but how proud they are on my finishing. What I was told about this was, " Whatever happens at the Big D Marathon stays at the Big D Marathon."

My perceptions about myself and others were so off the mark. I had accomplished something that I now feel proud of it. Others weren't out to judge me. It was just an instinctive erroneous response caused by years of conditioning. My instincts were deceiving me. I'm now starting to understand that sometimes I just can't trust them. People will surprise you.

I am so glad I stopped.

Training Starts Now!

I decided to start today on my new “Training” regimen today.

It's been a pretty decent morning, but that can sometimes be deceptive. I got up this morning feeling pretty good and wondering, “Do I actually have this problem?” What I do know is that the symptoms are still there. Today they have just not manifested themselves since I am at home and within my comfort zone.

Whether or not I have actual AvPD (I plan to talk to someone soon) I know that I still avoid rejection, have a poor self-image, poor social skills, and am overly self-critical. I am hoping that making some changes will address some of all of these. Things that I am planning are:

1.Doing things that make me uncomfortable

Bought a pair of shorts that other day. May not seem like much, but I haven't worn shorts in public in about 20 years or more. I have legs that are about two shades lighter than Casper. If you are driving down my street and are momentarily blinded, sorry that's just me.

Of course there again I am criticizing myself. I just like to do it through humor. Makes it easier to swallow and appears less whiney. It is to combat my overly critical nature that I bought the shorts and plan to always wear them when I am walking my dog in public. I need to learn to deal with being uncomfortable. Maybe as a by-product I'll actually get a tan! :)

2.Putting myself in a position for possible rejection and facing it.

I've started this already. That is the main reason that I'm spilling my guts to the world. If I stop fearing rejection then I can start feeling better about myself socially. Basically I need to not care if people reject me.

I think of course this part of my plan needs to proceed slowly. The blog is a good start. Getting out into public has also been good for me. No more being a shut-in.

3.Eating healthy and getting into the Gym.

This may not seem to have anything to do with my issues, but it has a great deal. I am openly self critical and feel like I am not very attractive to the opposite sex. In this case body image matters. So far I've changed my diet and gotten back into the gym. I've lost about 30lbs so far and plan to lose more. Notice that I do not say that I am on a diet, since this is a change in lifestyle.

That particular item didn't mean that much to me when I started, but it means more now. You win or lose on a diet. Not however, in a change of lifestyle. I feel that this is the only way that I will conquer my self image issues. And conquering them is what I mean to do. Learning to accept myself and actually take pride in my achievements and abilities means a great deal to me. Healing comes from within.

4.Learning to deal with my mood swings.

This one is not so easy. I find that simple comments can swing you onto a train of though that brings on depression or frustration. About a week ago a simple conversation at work about a guys weekend and how he had two girls talking to him. He gave the more attractive girl attention and later found out that the less attractive one was more interested in him. He was told that while it might have been better to give the less attractive one attention, not to lower his standards.

I found myself at that point wondering if it was just that woman were not able to lowers their standards to my level. What did it mean for my future? Between that major thought and other minor thoughts that kept flooding through my head it kept me in a blue funk the rest of the day. This is the kind of thing that worries me. It has actually become worse since I now have more time on my hands to think and brood.

I'm not sure how I will deal with this one. Maybe meditation or some other relaxation therapy. I know that going to the gym and beating myself up for and hour or so helps. But I do not want to do that every time I feel depressed. I think that might be over-training. This one will have to be a work in progress.