Training Starts Now!

I decided to start today on my new “Training” regimen today.

It's been a pretty decent morning, but that can sometimes be deceptive. I got up this morning feeling pretty good and wondering, “Do I actually have this problem?” What I do know is that the symptoms are still there. Today they have just not manifested themselves since I am at home and within my comfort zone.

Whether or not I have actual AvPD (I plan to talk to someone soon) I know that I still avoid rejection, have a poor self-image, poor social skills, and am overly self-critical. I am hoping that making some changes will address some of all of these. Things that I am planning are:

1.Doing things that make me uncomfortable

Bought a pair of shorts that other day. May not seem like much, but I haven't worn shorts in public in about 20 years or more. I have legs that are about two shades lighter than Casper. If you are driving down my street and are momentarily blinded, sorry that's just me.

Of course there again I am criticizing myself. I just like to do it through humor. Makes it easier to swallow and appears less whiney. It is to combat my overly critical nature that I bought the shorts and plan to always wear them when I am walking my dog in public. I need to learn to deal with being uncomfortable. Maybe as a by-product I'll actually get a tan! :)

2.Putting myself in a position for possible rejection and facing it.

I've started this already. That is the main reason that I'm spilling my guts to the world. If I stop fearing rejection then I can start feeling better about myself socially. Basically I need to not care if people reject me.

I think of course this part of my plan needs to proceed slowly. The blog is a good start. Getting out into public has also been good for me. No more being a shut-in.

3.Eating healthy and getting into the Gym.

This may not seem to have anything to do with my issues, but it has a great deal. I am openly self critical and feel like I am not very attractive to the opposite sex. In this case body image matters. So far I've changed my diet and gotten back into the gym. I've lost about 30lbs so far and plan to lose more. Notice that I do not say that I am on a diet, since this is a change in lifestyle.

That particular item didn't mean that much to me when I started, but it means more now. You win or lose on a diet. Not however, in a change of lifestyle. I feel that this is the only way that I will conquer my self image issues. And conquering them is what I mean to do. Learning to accept myself and actually take pride in my achievements and abilities means a great deal to me. Healing comes from within.

4.Learning to deal with my mood swings.

This one is not so easy. I find that simple comments can swing you onto a train of though that brings on depression or frustration. About a week ago a simple conversation at work about a guys weekend and how he had two girls talking to him. He gave the more attractive girl attention and later found out that the less attractive one was more interested in him. He was told that while it might have been better to give the less attractive one attention, not to lower his standards.

I found myself at that point wondering if it was just that woman were not able to lowers their standards to my level. What did it mean for my future? Between that major thought and other minor thoughts that kept flooding through my head it kept me in a blue funk the rest of the day. This is the kind of thing that worries me. It has actually become worse since I now have more time on my hands to think and brood.

I'm not sure how I will deal with this one. Maybe meditation or some other relaxation therapy. I know that going to the gym and beating myself up for and hour or so helps. But I do not want to do that every time I feel depressed. I think that might be over-training. This one will have to be a work in progress.