My Toughest Blog...

Don’t really feel like talking about this, which is probably all the more reason that I should. Last night I was looking for some ideas to rename my blog and came across an article on Avoidant Personality Disorder.

While I have in the past been pretty critical about these kinds of things, reading the page was like getting kicked in the teeth. It was very strange to see odd symptoms such as using fantasy to escape and avoiding occupational activities. These symptoms describe me to a “T”.

Even being a dreamer is on there. As a kid it was often commented that people would need to shout to get my attention. I was continually daydreaming. You can even be an extrovert and have it. My collegues would tell you that while I am shy at first, once you get to know me I become a chatterbox.

I think if you’ve read any of my other blogs you will already know how I feel about myself. That’s an ongoing battle to try and look at myself objectively. When you think one way for so many years it can be hard to change. It also becomes hard to imagine that you ever will be TRULY accepted by others. You basically feel that others look down or feel sorry for you.

The problem is that by this time I’ve been conditioned to think this way. I has been years of emotional abuse that has made me this way. When I look back and think of my interpersonal relationships I think of particular particular times:


1) Constant teasing at an early age. The names ran the gambit, “Whitey”, “Old Man” (my hair was THAT blonde then), and the most painful, “Albino”. What made that worse was that I was called that by my best friend. Being teased about my skin, my hair, my clothing, how I walked, and how I talked. Being teased by “My friends”, and my family (mainly my brother, but that was mainly normal "Brotherly" teasing). It was pretty overwhelming at times. I think it sayes something in the fact that I even remember it.

2) Being told by my people who care for me, “You are just feeling sorry for yourself.” Geeze like that’s gonna fix anything! Let’s fix this by making a person me feel worse about himself. Sure, in life you need to grow a thick skin, but come on! I was just a kid!

3) In my high school years I had maybe 4 very short-term relationships. Girls seemed to want me to be their Therapist but not their boyfriend. Hence my first blog (if you’ve read it).

4) In 43 years I’ve never received a Valentines card from anyone other than family. Oh BTW, if you are giving one to a family member who is like me; really think about it before you do it. While the intentions are there, what it does is remind them that they not getting a REAL Valentines card again this year.

5) While in the military I was teased over numerous things like the size of my head. Yeah it’s pretty ridiculous; everyone in the military get’s teased by your buddies. It’s nothing personal. It’s a way to pass the time while at sea. Unfortunately, by that time I was conditioned to expect rejection.

6) Getting out of the military and running into a friend in a bar. He was pretty gone, but mentioned to me how my “Friends” used to talk about me behind my back. They voted me the most likely to become an alcoholic. BTW you know what one of the main symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder is? … Substance abuse. Oh and then I had the “Friend” who spread rumors that I was Gay. Refer to item #3.

No wonder I’m screwed-up. If you are saying to yourself that I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I’m glad to admit it. It’s not until you can admit you have a problem that you can address it. If you are one of my old high school friends, just know I’m long past being mad. If you are upset right now that I wrote about it…well tough, you deserve it. I may not be mad, but I am far from sympathetic.
If you are a family member and are upset about some of the things that I said… I am truly sorry. I love you dearly, but need to be honest and open about this. In the rules that I created for myself I mentioned that I would be frank and honest. It doesn’t help anyone if I ignore or hide it away.

Finally, I think this that this will be my toughest post. When you fear rejection, posting something that may result in numerous rejections by people who are important to you is very scary. The fact that it is scary I think is probably the strongest reason to post it. This ultimately is about me and getting better.




Links to Articles on Avoidant Personality Disorder:

http://www.psychiatric-disorders.com/articles/personality-disorders/avoidant.php

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

http://www.social-anxiety-shyness-info.com/art/sad/a-11-avoidant-personality.htm

http://personalitydisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/avoidant_personality

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/913360-overview

http://www.ptypes.com/avoidantpd.html