The Power of Perception

My Big "D" Medal
A reminder of what good friends I have

I wasn't intending to write about this today. However, I was relaxing and thinking about perception and how it impacts out social interactions. A recent event came to mind and I think it demostrates how our perceptions decieve us.

I was invited about a month ago to walk with some friends from work in the Big "D" half-marathon. I didn't think walking 13 miles would be that tough. Wow, I was sure wrong about that. But it was at this event that I realized how wrong I am routinely in my perceptions.

I had some pain during the start of the race, but at about mile 3 most of that was gone. I was doing alright for the most part until the uphill portion of the course. I think it was around mile 8 that things really started to go bad. I started developing pain all down the back of my legs. It felt like the tendons were being pulled so tight that they were about to snap. More and more I had to sit and take the weight off of my legs during miles 8 and 9. It just after mile 10 that I had to call it quits.

I went and set down at a Starbucks that we had passed, while my friends finished the last 3 miles. "T" and "M" (I don't want to use their real names, they know who they are) said they would come back and get me once they finished. I felt like I had just let them all down. I felt like such a loser. I felt that once others at work heard they would think I was as well.

I'm not sure how long it took, but when they came back, they were all smiles. They had their medals showing that they had finished. But instead of going home though, they said that I was going to finish the race. They were going to drive me back to the parking lot and I was going to walk the last portion of it. They didn't criticize me for stopping. They said that I had really done something impressive since I had walked so far while being in obvious pain.

Well we drove back and I walked the last portion of the race and got my medal. There was no talk at work about how I had stopped. No one besides the 4 of us who were there know, and they are not talking. When we talk about it, I hear nothing about stopping, but how proud they are on my finishing. What I was told about this was, " Whatever happens at the Big D Marathon stays at the Big D Marathon."

My perceptions about myself and others were so off the mark. I had accomplished something that I now feel proud of it. Others weren't out to judge me. It was just an instinctive erroneous response caused by years of conditioning. My instincts were deceiving me. I'm now starting to understand that sometimes I just can't trust them. People will surprise you.

I am so glad I stopped.

Training Starts Now!

I decided to start today on my new “Training” regimen today.

It's been a pretty decent morning, but that can sometimes be deceptive. I got up this morning feeling pretty good and wondering, “Do I actually have this problem?” What I do know is that the symptoms are still there. Today they have just not manifested themselves since I am at home and within my comfort zone.

Whether or not I have actual AvPD (I plan to talk to someone soon) I know that I still avoid rejection, have a poor self-image, poor social skills, and am overly self-critical. I am hoping that making some changes will address some of all of these. Things that I am planning are:

1.Doing things that make me uncomfortable

Bought a pair of shorts that other day. May not seem like much, but I haven't worn shorts in public in about 20 years or more. I have legs that are about two shades lighter than Casper. If you are driving down my street and are momentarily blinded, sorry that's just me.

Of course there again I am criticizing myself. I just like to do it through humor. Makes it easier to swallow and appears less whiney. It is to combat my overly critical nature that I bought the shorts and plan to always wear them when I am walking my dog in public. I need to learn to deal with being uncomfortable. Maybe as a by-product I'll actually get a tan! :)

2.Putting myself in a position for possible rejection and facing it.

I've started this already. That is the main reason that I'm spilling my guts to the world. If I stop fearing rejection then I can start feeling better about myself socially. Basically I need to not care if people reject me.

I think of course this part of my plan needs to proceed slowly. The blog is a good start. Getting out into public has also been good for me. No more being a shut-in.

3.Eating healthy and getting into the Gym.

This may not seem to have anything to do with my issues, but it has a great deal. I am openly self critical and feel like I am not very attractive to the opposite sex. In this case body image matters. So far I've changed my diet and gotten back into the gym. I've lost about 30lbs so far and plan to lose more. Notice that I do not say that I am on a diet, since this is a change in lifestyle.

That particular item didn't mean that much to me when I started, but it means more now. You win or lose on a diet. Not however, in a change of lifestyle. I feel that this is the only way that I will conquer my self image issues. And conquering them is what I mean to do. Learning to accept myself and actually take pride in my achievements and abilities means a great deal to me. Healing comes from within.

4.Learning to deal with my mood swings.

This one is not so easy. I find that simple comments can swing you onto a train of though that brings on depression or frustration. About a week ago a simple conversation at work about a guys weekend and how he had two girls talking to him. He gave the more attractive girl attention and later found out that the less attractive one was more interested in him. He was told that while it might have been better to give the less attractive one attention, not to lower his standards.

I found myself at that point wondering if it was just that woman were not able to lowers their standards to my level. What did it mean for my future? Between that major thought and other minor thoughts that kept flooding through my head it kept me in a blue funk the rest of the day. This is the kind of thing that worries me. It has actually become worse since I now have more time on my hands to think and brood.

I'm not sure how I will deal with this one. Maybe meditation or some other relaxation therapy. I know that going to the gym and beating myself up for and hour or so helps. But I do not want to do that every time I feel depressed. I think that might be over-training. This one will have to be a work in progress.

Writing About Writing

I feel so much different today then when I wrote my first blog. I had so much frustration and angst built up that I needed to get out. I truly think that expressing myself through this blog helps so much even though no one may ever read it.

In my first blog I used the word cathartic. The word seems so pretentious but it really expresses what this writing is doing for me. The word is defined (at least in the way I am using it) by the Encarta online dictionary as,”producing a feeling of being purified emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically as a result of an intense emotional experience or therapeutic technique.” In case you looked it up and saw the definition “Purging the bowels”, no that was not what I intended. ;-)

I was told a long time ago by a friend that I keep my emotions bottled up and don't talk about them. She was right on the money on that one. It is difficult for me sometimes to discuss these kind of things. I am trying to be better about it but it's a work in progress. In fact I almost deleted my first blog because I though it showed too much anger. But should I really be ashamed of expressing myself? I know if I get any readers of that page I may get some nasty replies. I can only say that if you don't like it then don't read it.

I discussed deleting it with my sister and she encouraged me to keep it up. She sold me that many times something you express is felt by others who feel uncomfortable talking about it themselves. I think my little sister is wise for her young age. Please do not tell her that. I'll be reminded of it daily. ;-) Even though I may express feelings in a way some may object to; I may well be expressing it in a way meaningful to others. I do hope someone gets some benefit from it.


Well I think that about covers it.

On Friends and Family

Went to see family the other day. It did a lot to restore my morale. I explained to them my situation and many of the things I talked about in my last blog. They understood as much as they could and expressed how happy they were to see the changes that I am making in my life. There aren't words to express just how much thier support means. Even though they have SO much on their plate (they are adopting twins and have 5 kids already!) right now, I know if I call they will come.

Of course my family are not the only ones that I lean on. I badger my friends as well when I'm down. One in particular amazes me in that she has had so much patience with me. Often times I wonder if I must be the biggest nuiscense, but I never hear a complaint. When apologize for manipulating her time what I hear is, "No worries...it's all good." Her patience and sensitivity with me should get her a sainthood. Probably not gonna happen though as neither of us are Catholic.

The influence of my church also cannot be understated. I think at some point I will write about faith but not in this blog. I need to research some good passages first. It is the people there that I want to mention now. They are as much a part of my family as my blood relations. When I cannot go to church (I work shifts) it is like night and day the difference in my morale. Their kindness, caring, patience and understanding is something that must make God smile.

Of course they don't truely understand what I am going though. That doesn't matter really matter. No one who isn't in the same situation can truely understand. Ultimately, I am the one who needs to change. What I need from them is support. What I need is a simpathetic ear to speak to and a shoulder to lean on. In the end I have no doubt that they will be there when I need them.

My Toughest Blog...

Don’t really feel like talking about this, which is probably all the more reason that I should. Last night I was looking for some ideas to rename my blog and came across an article on Avoidant Personality Disorder.

While I have in the past been pretty critical about these kinds of things, reading the page was like getting kicked in the teeth. It was very strange to see odd symptoms such as using fantasy to escape and avoiding occupational activities. These symptoms describe me to a “T”.

Even being a dreamer is on there. As a kid it was often commented that people would need to shout to get my attention. I was continually daydreaming. You can even be an extrovert and have it. My collegues would tell you that while I am shy at first, once you get to know me I become a chatterbox.

I think if you’ve read any of my other blogs you will already know how I feel about myself. That’s an ongoing battle to try and look at myself objectively. When you think one way for so many years it can be hard to change. It also becomes hard to imagine that you ever will be TRULY accepted by others. You basically feel that others look down or feel sorry for you.

The problem is that by this time I’ve been conditioned to think this way. I has been years of emotional abuse that has made me this way. When I look back and think of my interpersonal relationships I think of particular particular times:


1) Constant teasing at an early age. The names ran the gambit, “Whitey”, “Old Man” (my hair was THAT blonde then), and the most painful, “Albino”. What made that worse was that I was called that by my best friend. Being teased about my skin, my hair, my clothing, how I walked, and how I talked. Being teased by “My friends”, and my family (mainly my brother, but that was mainly normal "Brotherly" teasing). It was pretty overwhelming at times. I think it sayes something in the fact that I even remember it.

2) Being told by my people who care for me, “You are just feeling sorry for yourself.” Geeze like that’s gonna fix anything! Let’s fix this by making a person me feel worse about himself. Sure, in life you need to grow a thick skin, but come on! I was just a kid!

3) In my high school years I had maybe 4 very short-term relationships. Girls seemed to want me to be their Therapist but not their boyfriend. Hence my first blog (if you’ve read it).

4) In 43 years I’ve never received a Valentines card from anyone other than family. Oh BTW, if you are giving one to a family member who is like me; really think about it before you do it. While the intentions are there, what it does is remind them that they not getting a REAL Valentines card again this year.

5) While in the military I was teased over numerous things like the size of my head. Yeah it’s pretty ridiculous; everyone in the military get’s teased by your buddies. It’s nothing personal. It’s a way to pass the time while at sea. Unfortunately, by that time I was conditioned to expect rejection.

6) Getting out of the military and running into a friend in a bar. He was pretty gone, but mentioned to me how my “Friends” used to talk about me behind my back. They voted me the most likely to become an alcoholic. BTW you know what one of the main symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder is? … Substance abuse. Oh and then I had the “Friend” who spread rumors that I was Gay. Refer to item #3.

No wonder I’m screwed-up. If you are saying to yourself that I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I’m glad to admit it. It’s not until you can admit you have a problem that you can address it. If you are one of my old high school friends, just know I’m long past being mad. If you are upset right now that I wrote about it…well tough, you deserve it. I may not be mad, but I am far from sympathetic.
If you are a family member and are upset about some of the things that I said… I am truly sorry. I love you dearly, but need to be honest and open about this. In the rules that I created for myself I mentioned that I would be frank and honest. It doesn’t help anyone if I ignore or hide it away.

Finally, I think this that this will be my toughest post. When you fear rejection, posting something that may result in numerous rejections by people who are important to you is very scary. The fact that it is scary I think is probably the strongest reason to post it. This ultimately is about me and getting better.




Links to Articles on Avoidant Personality Disorder:

http://www.psychiatric-disorders.com/articles/personality-disorders/avoidant.php

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

http://www.social-anxiety-shyness-info.com/art/sad/a-11-avoidant-personality.htm

http://personalitydisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/avoidant_personality

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/913360-overview

http://www.ptypes.com/avoidantpd.html

Coming Up With Ideas While Doing Laundry

Kind've a goofy name but it's what I am doing right now. Drier should be done in about 30min so I guess I have some time to write. I wanted to do this to hash out in a blog how I plan to go about coming up with topics. First I think I need some rules:


1) No Rules – Yep I contradicted myself. However, what I mean by this is that nothing is out of bounds. Granted I do not plan on writing things that are rude, crude, and socially unnacceptable. However I don't want to put limits on those parts of my life that make an acceptable topic.
2) Be Honest – I think that I need to be honest about my feelings if they are to be any use to myself or others. Value comes by making sure that I acknowledge my strengths and my faults objectively.
3) Be Objective – It's amazing how these things fall together. I need to not candy coat things, but do not be overly critical. As they say, "No one likes a drama queen". Or in this case a "Drama King."
4) Be Frank – If something needs to be said...then say it!
5) No Excuses – This would be the hardest one. It's so easy to make them. You know what they say, "Excuses are like (Insert body part here), everybodies got one." I'm sure I will try and probably fail miserably, but it's the thought that counts...right?


The next thing to do is to decide the bounds of my topics. Feel free to comment on any other possibilities. Of course I ask that you not suggest that I do things that are a anotomic impossibility or involve small animals and power tools. I know there are those who will make those suggestions anyway. Just don't be suprised when your entries are deleted. Keep your suggestions within the scope of this blog. Now for the tough part...topics.


1) Socializing outside of the Bar Scene -or- Socializing while avoiding becoming an alchoholic.
2) Keeping Yourself From Losing it Completely
3) The Power of God to Encourage and Sustain
4) The Importance of Friends and Family
5) What I do When I Am Down
6) Communication and how do it properly so others don't kill you or run
7) Top 10 things people say sympathetically that make you want to strangle them.
8) Charishing and promoting the relationships you have.

Opps time to put the laundry away...

Reminisces of an Ex-Gamer

In my last blog I was pretty upset. I needed to vent and it felt good. When I woke up today the first thing that came to my mind was why did I need to write about it? Why was it so important that I tell the world just what I was thinking? As the day progressed a thought came to my mind that maybe it had to do with my gaming... or the lack thereof over the last few weeks.

To give you a little background, up until the last few weeks I have been an avid gamer. My particular addiction was the game "Lord of the Rings." I've been playing it since pre-beta three years ago. It has been a major part of my life over that time, and in that, a big waste of my time. What is worse is that there were others before that. I think about the many things that I could have been doing and I kick myself. Hours each day I spent sitting in front of my computer.

It is in those wasted hours that my problem arises. Those hours I wasted, I wasted seeking an escape from my problems. If I could drown myself in a fantasy world it wasn’t necessary to deal with the real one. Unfortunately that doesn’t make problems go away, it just postpones dealing with them.

The last time I played was 2 weeks ago. Since then I have been game-free. I am glad to be rid of it. I has meant an 180-degree change in my life. I am back in the Gym and going out more. I’ve already lost 30lbs (no all due to this of course. I’ve spent the last 6 months dieting) and am enjoying going and seeing the sites of Dallas that I’ve been missing.

Of course this is not all due to me. I have a few special friends at work who have been encouraging me and even going to the gym with me. We even walked the Big “D” half marathon a few weeks back. Much of this is due to their participation and encouragement. I do not think these changes would have ever happened without their friendship and encouragement. It’s too easy to immerse yourself in escapism and let the world go by.

The only problem that I am running into now is that I have a lot of free time. This may not seem like much, but in my case this is big. Now I have all sorts of time to mentally go over all of the failures in my life. I also have the nasty habit of over analyzing and being overly critical of myself.

Being self-critical is not always a bad thing. It can stimulate me to work harder and be more tenacious. However in this case it is bad. I spend time haranguing myself on whatever comes to mind. Why am I not dating someone yet? Why has it been so difficult? I ignore that it’s been only 2 weeks. I ignore the fact that I am a novice when it comes to socializing and that change will not come overnight. I want changes to happen now and have little patience.

This is why that I am blogging. This gives me an avenue to express my thoughts and address the problems that I need to overcome. Hopefully if you are reading this and can empathize with my situation you may get something out of it.

As I progress, I will try to write often of my thoughts and aspects of my life. Maybe in this way I can work though this and provide some insight into the trials you may face when re-injecting yourself into society.

It’s not easy, but then again nothing worthwhile ever is.